Hello, my friend, hello.

This is our spring of 2019 portrait. 

This is our fall of 2019 portrait.

Our current portrait would be in pajamas, braless, with zits on display. Life is surreal and full of varieties of COVID-19 information.

It is my son's 15th birthday and we are quarantined. Can you see that he grew inches between these portraits? Life seemed to be moving at a clipped pace before we were quarantined and now it is lasting a reeeeeeal long time. 

Life is not working out the way I had thought it would. I felt like I taught my children the right things in the right way and in the right times. I was so very wrong. I still have hope for my children and promises made to me by leaders that I trust in. I know they are each unique and will walk to the beats of their own drums. I wish the tempo was one that makes sense to me, alas tis not to be for now. I have been surprised at the pain I can feel for another person's choices. I guess I thought there would be safety in the retreat of my own life, mind, and choices. Teenagers have been about 1000 times harder than I anticipated. I love them  so  much, surely it will all work out. 

Princess Kristine, here.

My Mom, who is persistently generous, took us to the Broadway show "Beauty and the Beast".  It was a really phenomenal production, with a lot of laughs and a few cries.

I was really struck by the storyline.  I have always taken them for granted, princess stories.

They are just always so pretty, happy, and stuff just works out for them.  But, I really saw Belle for the first time and her life was hard!  Maybe it was closer to my heart after the loss of my own father, maybe it's because I don't love dogs, but I couldn't live her life. 

She had no mother to talk to, had to deal with the neighborhood bully, and felt lonely enough to drown her sorrows in reading.  Then,  to top it off, everyone thinks her dad is crazy.  

So, popular she was not.  And, in the midst of this set of difficulties, her dad is imprisoned by a giant and tempermental beast in a possessed castle!  The worst of it is, the beast doesn't even let her say (what she believes to be) her final goodbye to her sweet dad.  It sounds a little silly to me, even as I type this, but these are hefty problems!  I don't know that I could ever forgive that beast, even if he turned into a moderately handsome rich guy.

What struck me, as I sat there next to my widowed mother and my two sweet girls, was that none of us escape adversity.  Even Disney princesses have it hard!  Think through them all in your mind, it is pretty profound.  They had some seriously insurmountable trials!  Jasmine, Elsa, Snow White, Ariel (she was a bit of a self sabatoger), and Cinderella! I know there are many more.  Really, I felt a forceful reminder that who am I to expect any less?  I am a Princess, darn it!  I am a daughter of a Living God, and Donal awesome Lowe!  I was presently struggling with acceptance of my own set of challenges and feeling a tiny bit put upon.  But, truly, how can I expect to have my own happy ending without the trial filled sequences in the story?  I am no less worthy of testing and sanctifying.  I can do it.  I was thankful for the reminder.  Heavenly Father catches me at the oddest times, but I'm thankful to feel his advice and counsel in my life.  So, if you want to call me a Princess, go ahead.  I'm proud of it.  

Team Player

 Gracie is a member of a basketball team that has been together for three years, now.  They have wonderful coaches that have taught these girls how to play as a team.  Gracie hasn't always played the same position, and likes some better than others.  But, she has learned a lot about the different roles you play on a team.  I took these pictures of her game a couple of weeks ago and learned my own lesson, with the help of my Heavenly Father, while I looked at them.

 Benjamin was diagnosed with a genetic chromosomal deletion that will require a lifetime of therapy, a lot of money, and many more doctor visits/testing.  I have allowed researching this condition, called 22q11 Deletion Syndrome, to take over my whole being!  I have a tendency to obsess, and boy have I ever.  This has been a huge adjustment for Rob and I.  Our marriage has been stretched and tried, a bit.  I have spent a night or two on the couch, because of my own frustration, and we have soldiered on.  We love each other, we are really great friends, and we have generally had an extremely easy time resolving any differences.  This has been a new kind of stress, and we are learning a lot.  

One, It is okay that Rob is not me.  This may seem reallllly obvious to you, but this concept has been a major struggle for me!  I have time to read, study, make appointments, and attend said appointments because Rob works hard providing for us.  He and I agreed together that it was important for me to be a full time Mother. I am truly thankful that I am able to be here for our children.

Two, he is doing his best in his position on our family team, and he has his own set of worries.  He is focused on how to pay for all of the therapies, tests, and materials required to help Ben develop.  He is worried about how Ben will be able to find an occupation that will allow him to provide for his own family, with his unique limitations.  I hadn't even thought of that!! I am so thankful for his special perspective.

Three, together we make the perfect team. I am playing my position and Rob is playing his, and that is how God intended it.  I am thankful for his honesty, his listening ear, and his patience.  Heaven knows he is going to need it. 

Gracie has shown herself to be a phenomenal team player and hopefully Robert and I can learn from her example. Life is long, there is so much to learn. I am so grateful for our team, it is my favorite.

Thank You Daddy!

 When Gracie was younger than Benjamin she lovvvved cartoons.  On a good day, she would be snuggling with Robert on the couch as he flipped through the channels in search of some athletic event or another.  Every time he would pass a channel with cartoons, she would hurriedly and loudly proclaim "Thank You Daddy!", in an effort to con him into stopping there.  It worked sometimes and he gave up on his desire for sports for a moment and searched with Dora, for his little lady.  He is a tender hearted Father, which his fairly rough exterior would never give away. 

On Sunday morning I noticed this.  He was smiling while he dressed our wiggly and non communicative three year old baby.  I ran to the closet to grab my camera. Can this make him happy?  The world would have me believe that he couldn't possibly find happiness here, in our messy house, swimming in children and mundane tasks.  Sometimes we watch You Tube clips of dare devils swinging from the arch in Southeast Utah, or cliff diving in Lake Powell, or snowboarders traveling the world chasing the snow and good times.  I feel a tinge of guilt, wishing he could go do those things, instead of work long, cold, and physically strenuous hours to support his family.  Happiness can be found in all that You Tube fun, but not lasting joy.  Those videos could almost make you feel like being carefree and fun is the only way to have a rewarding life and be a real guy.  The world would like to convince our sons and our husbands that they have to be ripped, rich, or famous to be desirable.  I believe that the world's idea of a worthwhile man is the direct opposite of mine.  

And I say, Thank You Daddy for defining that real man for me.  Thank you for working when you are tired, sick, and spent.  Thank you for listening to me complain about being a full time mother, when everything you do is so that I can be here.  Thank you for taking joy in our children and sharing that with me.  Thank you for using your limited free time to attend basketball games, football games, dance recitals, piano recitals, and school programs.  Thank you for doing dishes, when you would rather be watching ESPN and relaxing.  Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on when I am stressed, depressed, anxiety ridden, and losing my sanity.  Thank you for telling me what a great Mother I am, even though you see the absolute worst of me.  Thank you for being a friend.  Thank you for kissing hurt knees better, listening to teenage angst, playing Mario Cart, and paying attention to stories that seem to last an eternity at times!  Thank you for your patience and long suffering.  Thank you for challenging our children to read The Book of Mormon, teaching them to work hard, and having high expectations of them.  Thank you for your tenderness when they don't meet those expectations.  Thank you for trying again when you make mistakes and being willing to talk about everything.  Thank You Daddy!  

The world would have us believe that this is not enough.  They are wrong.  This is everything.  Thank you to all the Fathers that recognize that.  There is great beauty in watching a man with his children!  I know I love watching it, enough to want to record it.  This is what will provide joy and lasting happiness, these moments, these relationships.  Family is everything.  

Thank You Daddy, We love you!!

If wishes were fishes...

 I wish we were skiing today, instead we are trying to implement a new job system and Rob is at work.  It is much less fun than skiing.  My kids all react so differently to responsibility.  There is one who immediately gets his jobs done, but forgets to look at his list in a thorough way and has to be reminded that he is not done after all.  There is one who is sick and conveniently gets out of most of it.  There is one that is too young to do much, and there is one that is so very responsible everywhere but our home!  She puts off the jobs until the very last second possible.  How can four children born of two people be so profoundly different?  The variation of humans in our home is staggering and a little discouraging for this tired, too tired to ride them enough, Mom.  I think when Heavenly Father commanded us to pray always he was talking to me, so I could survive motherhood. No joke.

On a positive note, I get to have a personality like this one in my home and heart.  Priceless, I tell you, priceless.

Basketball aka: Timesucker

 Basketball season (for Gracie) begins this Friday.  Basketball reminds me of that machine on the Princess Bride movie.  The one that causes an extreme amount of pain and then the nice six fingered man says, "I've just sucked one year of your life away". 

I am so happy that Gracie has something that she feels passionate about. I really enjoy watching her play.  But, for reals, could we have any more time suckers?? We just have four.  I love them, more than free time, obviously!  Let the time sucking begin!! 

We are getting SO old

 Gracie had a boys and girls party on Halloween.  I can not believe she is old enough for this!!  (that makes us old too)  She and her friends were nerds and their interpretation of nerds was pretty funny.  She has some great girls for friends.  I am so proud of her choices, so far.  She is an old soul with maturity that I never had at that age, or in high school, or in college.  As an adult I am as mature as my 13 year old.  This truth is just hitting me and it is mildly depressing.  Maturity is over rated anyway.

 We also attended our local Trunk or Treat and enjoyed Brody's version of a caucasian ninja. His face says it all, the cocky denial of danger and impertinent wink, it screams utter confidence.  He doesn't even need a costume for that.  His feelings of self worth are rock solid.  He was born that way.  

Avery was a lovely Apple White from the Everafter High series by Shannon Hale.  They are cute books, but the costumes were slightly hookerish.  We had to forgo the fishnet tights this getup came with.  She loved every minute of it.  This outfit has graced her little person no less than once a day since.

 This picture of Benjamin is from his therapy group/preschool party the day before.  He wanted NOTHING to do with his costume on Halloween!  Sensory issues at their finest.  He did tolerate it for the walk to exactly five cars to get candy and then was very kind to let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he was DONE.  He camped in the back of my friend's van for the remainder of the time.  He was content with a couple of suckers.  I love three year olds.

It was an awesome pagan holiday.