Basketball aka: Timesucker

 Basketball season (for Gracie) begins this Friday.  Basketball reminds me of that machine on the Princess Bride movie.  The one that causes an extreme amount of pain and then the nice six fingered man says, "I've just sucked one year of your life away". 

I am so happy that Gracie has something that she feels passionate about. I really enjoy watching her play.  But, for reals, could we have any more time suckers?? We just have four.  I love them, more than free time, obviously!  Let the time sucking begin!! 

We are getting SO old

 Gracie had a boys and girls party on Halloween.  I can not believe she is old enough for this!!  (that makes us old too)  She and her friends were nerds and their interpretation of nerds was pretty funny.  She has some great girls for friends.  I am so proud of her choices, so far.  She is an old soul with maturity that I never had at that age, or in high school, or in college.  As an adult I am as mature as my 13 year old.  This truth is just hitting me and it is mildly depressing.  Maturity is over rated anyway.

 We also attended our local Trunk or Treat and enjoyed Brody's version of a caucasian ninja. His face says it all, the cocky denial of danger and impertinent wink, it screams utter confidence.  He doesn't even need a costume for that.  His feelings of self worth are rock solid.  He was born that way.  

Avery was a lovely Apple White from the Everafter High series by Shannon Hale.  They are cute books, but the costumes were slightly hookerish.  We had to forgo the fishnet tights this getup came with.  She loved every minute of it.  This outfit has graced her little person no less than once a day since.

 This picture of Benjamin is from his therapy group/preschool party the day before.  He wanted NOTHING to do with his costume on Halloween!  Sensory issues at their finest.  He did tolerate it for the walk to exactly five cars to get candy and then was very kind to let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he was DONE.  He camped in the back of my friend's van for the remainder of the time.  He was content with a couple of suckers.  I love three year olds.

It was an awesome pagan holiday.

Love isn't for wimps

Our neighbor just died from terminal cancer, leaving her husband behind.  I went up and hugged him and he asked "what will I do?".  I have heard my own widowed mother ask this very question.  I also listen to friends and sisters worries and frustrations about their own spouse relationships.  If I ever doubt how I ended up with Rob, I only need to look at this picture of us.  We were the ripe old age of seventeen in this one. (above, obviously not below;)  We are practically glowing with love/infatuation/obsession, you name it.  I have concerns and worries about our relationship sometimes.  Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, and giving up, either by leaving physically or emotionally.  We are two drastically different human beings with different ideas and processes for life.  We agree on so much, but disagree on just enough to get under each other's skin sometimes.  We are, what I would describe, very happily married and it is still a challenge.  There is a lot of joy and a lot of frustration in this union of ours.  I love him fiercely and would never be able to really give up on us.  He feels the same, and so we plug on.  We have ups and downs, months of connecting to go with a week or two of distance, and still we choose to love each other.

 And in moments like the hug with my neighbor, and his awesome wife's funeral, I am thoroughly reminded of why it is worth it.  I am familiar with just a few of their struggles.  Some of them may have been a deal breaker for me, but they soldiered on, and raised four wonderful human beings together.  Their struggles make me thankful for my own and his sorrow makes me thankful for my joyful days.  

My neighbor and his late, totally cool, wife.

 Most of all I am really grateful for the perspective that other people's lives give me.  What a gift to have reminders that help me course correct and re prioritize what truly matters.  I wouldn't want to struggle, worry about, or argue with any other man.  I feel infinitely more love for him than I did in that first picture.  He is my person.  He is my best friend.  And I know that, when he or I go and leave the other behind for a time, we will be asking through our tears "what will I do?". 

My cutie patootie parents, before my Dad passed away.

Life is so worth living!

 Today would have been the 70th Birthday for my Dad.  It would have been such a happy day, full of life, but instead it is bittersweet and full of memories.  His life has been negated to pictures and words, and they are some good ones!  His life made my life possible, and he made my life better.  Thank you, Dad, for living life.  It is a good life!

I am so thankful for the lessons of forgiveness and tolerance that you showed me.  I am so thankful for the calm way you taught me to accept myself and keep trying.  Because of you, I can get up, brush myself off and never give up.  You certainly didn't and I want that to be said of me, too!  

 Because, even when we mess up,  there are so many sunshine filled days, literally and figuratively.  I am excited for joy filled days to come.  I am loving seeing these dynamic children learn and grow.  I recently visited my Dad's grave and had a great talk with him, telling him all about my children and letting him in on the things he might be missing, and I KNOW he heard me.

 So, he knows.  He knows I am doing my best to teach my children to love and feel love and keep a sense of humor!  

 He knows that life goes on and we still have the nativity at Christmas, but now that reader of Luke 2 is a recording.  His voice lives on, thank you technology!  He knows that we strive to honor the great love he had for his Savior and the deep appreciation he had for His sacrifice.

 He must know we are happy, amidst our sorrow.  We wish he was here.  We wish we could show him the value he has in our family, and it is even more apparent now that he is gone.  He may have been the one behind the camera or standing in the back, most of the time, but he was glue for us!  Death is just as much of an education as life.

And although this is how it ended up...

This is how we remember it!  

Living a life full of challenges and joys, one never without the other, just the way it was intended.  And yet, despite our many failures, life is so worth living!!  If anything, this is the great legacy that a regular man gave his extremely regular (and grateful) daughter.  I can keep going and there will be much joy to come, I LOVE you Dad!  Happy Birthday!  

I'm Obsessing.

ob·sess

əbˈses/

verb

gerund or present participle: obsessing

1. preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent.

   "he was obsessed with the theme of death"

   synonyms:

   preoccupy, be uppermost in someone's mind, prey on someone's mind,prey on, possess, haunt, consume, plague, torment, hound, bedevil,beset, take control of, control, take over, have a hold on, rule, eat up, have a grip on

   • (of a person) be preoccupied with or constantly worrying about something.

     "her husband, who is obsessing about the wrong she has done him"

My quiet little man is dogging my thoughts this week.  I feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of helping him learn to communicate.  It would be so very nice to hear him say his own name.  Sadly, it is not to be and this is his and my normal.  I have been reading on the internet for a couple of hours now, and I feel a little hope mixed with despair.  I found a cool sign for him to wear at the trunk or treat, for all of the well meaning people in our ward that constantly try to talk to him, while he stares at them, unresponsive, and I awkwardly try to explain why he isn't answering them.  I ordered Phonetics for Dummies, and a book written by a girl who grew up struggling with Apraxia of Speech.  I am going to try my best to understand how he feels.  It is a lonely thing to feel the weight of a child's struggles and not have anyone else as shaken as I am.  I just want my children to feel loved and valued by EVERYONE on Earth, is that too much to ask?!?  I know it is.  I'm sure I will see many miracles in Ben's life and learning and I know that at the end of this rollercoaster (see pictures below for confirmation that he is on a rollercoaster) he will be molded into the person that Heavenly Father knows he can be.  I just need to believe and it is so hard.  

Thoughts on this life I've chosen

 It is currently fall break for my children.  My sister had this great idea to walk around Silver Lake up Big Cottonwood Canyon.  I have SO much history at this particular location.  Rob and I went on many dates there, in the good ole high school days.  I had a friend that had a cabin just around the corner from this and we may or may not have snuck out a couple of times.  Ahhh the days of very little responsibility and maximum drama...I was utterly ridiculous.

 So, now here I am in this same place with this completely different life and highly wisened (the spell check is telling me that is not a word, but I'll decide spellcheck!)  mind, right? Wrong.  I LOVE pictures, you know why?  Pictures show you the positive moments, usually.  We were actually yelling nefarious threats at these children to get them to sit together long enough to take this picture to document our "fun".  I don't feel much wiser in those moments of utter frustration.  I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum.  I chose this life!!

 And, overall I would say I got what I wanted.  I love my children, as frustrating as they may be.  I love my husband, even though we don't like each other sometimes.  I wouldn't want to live any other life, that's for sure.  I just have to remind myself occasionally.  That's why I love pictures, they remind you.  Memories can be clouded or misconstrued, but pictures are recorded fact, in a way.

 And what better reminder of your blessings, than to see them?  I see you, blessings!!  I just forget sometimes.  It's been a rough few days, forgive my verbal vomit.

 So, this lovely redhead and I took five billion children to take in the beauty of the Earth with it's fall fashion.  It was a gorgeous day.  And, at the end of it all, I am thankful for the things I've learned since Rob and I strolled our teenage selves effortlessly around this place.

My grandma has been struggling with her health, so I feel like our time together is somewhat more limited.  I had my big girl camera with me, so we stopped to visit and capture some moments with her.  She is done with all the crap that harasses my mind.  She is on to body breakdown and widowhood.  It doesn't seem any more appealing, although the peaceful quiet sounds nice.  She is such a trouper, though.  She is not a complainer, my grandma Alice.  I would like to be more like her.

 This was not taken with my nice camera, this was a phone pic of blurriness, but I love it.  She loves her great grandkids and shows, I think, a great amount of patience and enjoyment for small children.  Her perspective must be awesome.

 She is in the last few miles of her mortal marathon.  Bear with me, I ran a marathon recently (my one and probably only) and there are SOOOO many life comparisons to running and particularly to a marathon.  She knows she is close, she can look at us all with an understanding and empathy that I can't yet understand.  I had a goal of 4 hours and 30 minutes, and you can see I didn't make it.  My technical time, listed on the marathon rankings was 4:33.  3 Dang MINUTES!!  When I crossed that finish line those 3 minutes did not matter one fig to me.  I know my grandma has had a rough life, full of things she could beat herself up about, but I DO NOT believe that when she again sees her Savior and her Father in Heaven that she will be thinking of those things.

 I believe that she (and I someday) will be overjoyed that she is done with this hard thing.  I am convinced that I will feel like I did when I crossed the finish line and they put a medal around my neck, elated and so very thankful!!

 I know that I will be reaching out to my family like I am below and smiling with complete joy when I hug them, like I am above!  Will I be focused on that Dag nabbed 3 minutes? No way.  I am not the fastest runner and I was one of hundreds, just another face in the rain soaked crowd.  But, I did my best and I stayed with my partner.  I desperately want to be able to say the same thing when I finish my time on this Earth.

 Even if I yell at my kids,  even if I act like a toddler sometimes, even if I miss some goals, and even if the only people that remember me are my family.  I am giving my personal best and that is good enough.  And, in the meantime, I am going to enjoy the great blessings that are mine...and try desperately to remember what they are.